Marcel Luxemburg (1934 — 2015), who studied under Carl Rogers, the father of humanistic psychology, is a doctor of clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin, founder of the International Center for Nonviolent Communication, and the world’s first expert in nonviolent communication. With more than 50 years of practical experience, he has not only guided people to use non-violent communication in their work and life to resolve differences and disputes and achieve effective communication, but also helped resolve many disputes and conflicts worldwide.

I’ve found a way to talk and listen in a way that makes us feel connected and ready to help each other. I call it nonviolent communication.

Nonviolent communication guides us to shift the way we talk and listen, to emphasize explicit observations, feelings, and desires, and to consciously organize words instead of reflexive responses.

Nonviolent communication states that when we hear criticism, we tend to defend, retreat, or fight back. However, by focusing on each other’s observations, feelings, and needs without refuting the other, we can discover our inner tenderness and develop a new appreciation of ourselves and others. This will maximize the avoidance of violence.

Through an emphasis on listening — listening to yourself and others — nonviolent communication fosters respect, attention, and love for each other, making people willing to help each other.

There are four key elements of nonviolent communication. They are observation, feeling, need, and request. Through these four elements, we can learn to express ourselves better.

Observation vs. comment

The first element of nonviolent communication is observation, which means carefully observing what is happening and stating the observation clearly. It stresses the importance of distinguishing between observation and comment, arguing that comment should be based on observation in a particular time and context.

If we conflate observation with comment, or make statements that are too literal, people will be more inclined to hear criticism and may even be rebellious and less willing to respond kindly.

Nonviolent communication also points out that negative labels such as “lazy” and “stupid” can have a negative effect on others, while positive or neutral labels such as “teacher” and “doctor” can prevent us from fully understanding a person.

Feelings vs. thoughts

The second element of nonviolent communication is feelings, which are emotional reactions to things. There’s a difference between feeling and thinking, for example: I don’t think I can play the guitar very well (thinking); As a guitarist, I feel a little lost.

Expressing our feelings clearly helps us communicate our emotions better.

Need vs. feeling

The third element of nonviolent communication is need. Having understood the feelings, we need to know further: what needs (or values, desires, etc.) cause those feelings.

We can use “I (feel)… Because I…” This is an expression to recognize the relationship between feelings and needs. For example: The mother feels disappointed (feeling) when the child doesn’t finish his meal, because the mother wants you to grow up healthy (desire).

Nonviolent communication points out that if we make a claim through criticism, people often respond by arguing or fighting back. On the other hand, if we say what we need directly, others are more likely to respond positively. Taking the previous example as another example, if we just criticize our children for wasting rice, they may not understand our inner expectations, which may cause conflict.

Request vs command

The fourth element of nonviolent communication is asking, which means telling someone clearly what we want him to do. What we ask for should be as specific as possible. If we are vague, it will be difficult for others to understand what we really want.

A clear request helps to elicit a positive response, whereas upon hearing a command, a person sees only two options: obedience or defiance. Example: “Would you please open the window for me?” (request); “Open the window, please! (command).

Choosing to express wishes through requests rather than commands does not mean that we stop fulfilling our needs once people say no. But it means that we don’t try to persuade someone unless we have fully understood what prevents them from saying yes.

A brief summary of the non-violent communication process: What is my observation; How I feel; What needs (or values, desires, etc.) cause that feeling; What is my request to improve my life?

Example: Child, I see two dirty socks on the table and next to the TV (observation), I am not very happy (feeling), because I value cleanliness (need), would you like to put the socks in the washing machine (request)?

In addition to learning to speak, listening attentively is also an important aspect of nonviolent communication. Listening attentively to the feelings, needs and requests of others helps us to communicate and solve problems, which in part can lead to self-forgiveness and a deeper understanding of our motivations.

An important skill in listening is paying attention. If the other person is fully heard, the atmosphere will lighten up and the other person will stop complaining with a sense of relief.

One thing to note about listening is that sometimes we are faced with the painful dilemma of not being able to listen. When this happens, we need to: understand our feelings and needs; Make your requests out loud; Change your environment.

Example: When a mother comes home from a long day at work and her two children are making a scene, we can ask out loud, “I’m tired! I really don’t want to meddle in your business right now. I need some peace! ‘ If they’re in the heat of the moment and can’t pay attention to our feelings, we can go somewhere else — to our room.

Nonviolent Communication refers to the opposite model — alienated communication, which involves moral judgment, comparison, avoidance of responsibility, and coercion.

Alienated ways of communication dilute our sense of responsibility for our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, and cause spiritual estrangement between people. Unfortunately, a lot of people are in this mode of communication, trapped in the prison without realizing it.

When I finished reading this book, I learned how a couple of parents thought they were full of care and care for their daughter, but in fact the family relationship was weak and poor. In addition to the money support, they seemed to have a mouth full of “that bird man” language violence.

It can be seen that sometimes we are not very satisfied with interpersonal relationships, perhaps the problem is not the emotional crisis itself, but the lack of honest and effective communication with each other.

So after reading this book, I learned a lot about the concept of nonviolent communication and how we can improve communication through the skills of expression and listening. At the same time, I became increasingly aware of the huge difference in the impact of different types of speech on results.

It may be difficult to insist on nonviolent communication, but I believe, like the author, that “a thing worth doing is worth doing even if it is not well done!”